I often wondered what it would be like to be out the of damn closet already.....Many things wander thru my mind, such as, if I came out to my family and friends, I have this silly notion stuck in my head that they all would be so excepting and embrace it, and me for choosing the path I have. That's just what it is, a silly notion.
From the conversation I have had in the past with my family and friends, and the comments they have made about similarly related issues, it would seem to me that ignorance is bliss. Not that my family and friends are by any means "haters", they aren't, far from it actually, it is just, like most people in today's society, they fear that which they don't understand.. Plainly put.
I was raised in a "Lutheran" household. However we never actually were regular church attendees by any means. My father worked to much and my mom had us to take care of. I knew of the teachings so to speak, meaning I knew the whole, there was a god, and the baby Jesus, Mary, immaculate conception thing and Adam and eve, etc etc. Any more than that forget it...LOL
I remember going to summer bible school sort of thing, kind of like catechism, but only for the summer, and I only went once. So you see, my family was far from being bible thumpers. However my dad tried to instill a good belief system in us anyways.
Many years later, ( at the age of 19) I got married and failed miserably at it, sucked actually, we both did. To young, you know the bit. Which led me on my path of "there has to be something more". Divorced 3 yrs later and wondering what the hell did I just do with my 3 wasted years? I turned to wicca/witchcraft, and delved into it. It kept my mind busy, and out of trouble. I began studying gardening, herbalism and the like.
Now, older and wiser, on my second marriage of 9yrs, and having a child of 5. I couldn't be happier. My husband is catholic, raised in a the traditional "catholic ways", i.e. purgatory, hell, all the scary shit, that scares the hell out of a kid. However, he is the most open minded person I have ever met, and fully supports me in anything i do, and my beliefs. So now your probably wondering, when am i going to get to the point? Ok, here it is, I am out of the broom closet, but to only one person, my husband. He knows it, he's ok with it, etc.
The rest of my family, not so much as I explained before. The reason? Well it isn't because of what you might think really...it's the fear that they will think I will be setting my daughter up for relentless teasing and ridicule at school. Which, in all honesty, the thought has crossed my mind alot. It is one of the concerns of my husband as well. They would worry that because of my beliefs, that she would be an outcast of sorts. Kids can be so fickle, we all know this. I wouldn't want this for her at all. Any mothers out there can sympathize with me on this one regardless of how they feel about their own beliefs.
I really wouldn't care what they thought of me, it is her I worry about. My husband and I both have talked about this subject over and over. He wants her to have a "base" religion. Of course it is catholic. She was baptized catholic and more than likely going to be attending catechism (shudders). I'm hoping this will be put off as long as possible really...LOL I have told him that I really don't want her to be scared shitless with the catholic teachings. You see my husband still doesn't sleep naked, (for fear of the angels laughing at him...yeah....I can thank his grandmother for this), not to mention the "mamoonas", "purgatory" ,"burning off all your sins, before being allowed into heaven" and other such terrifying thoughts. I could go on and on. My husbands family really put a whammy on his head when he was younger and it carried over into his adult life, but as time goes on he has had time to come to his own conclusions of things and isn't that bad anymore. You know the "older and wiser thing".
Anyways, he is ok, with me teaching her my beliefs, as long as I don't refer to it as "magik" or "spells", he prefers the terms "herbalism and prayer"...which is fine by me. I told him when she is old enough, I will teach her magik and spells, and about the gods and goddess', how I believe all things are connected with nature, etc, etc. but for now, yes..herbalism and prayer. Besides she is to young right now anyways.
But this is why I am not out of the broom closet yet. Not for fear of what people might think of me, but for what people might do or say to my daughter. It's sad really that it has to be this way, I struggle with this thought everyday. The thought of following the norm..ya know. If she goes to catechism, believes in the catholic teachings, or other christian teachings, she will be considered, well, normal. Isn't that ridiculous? Anything outside the box is abnormal...I hate that about our society. I asked my husband this question, "what if when she gets older she doesn't want to be catholic, she wants to follow the pagan path? He replied, that's fine. I just want her to be able to defend herself, if the situation arises. Right now she is to young and doesn't know any better."
thru my head a breakneck speed. I thought i had better not push the issue farther than it needed to be at that point in time. I often wonder if any other pagan moms have thought of these many questions in their minds as well? Have they had similar struggles? Have they not come out of the broom closet for the sake of their child? I wonder..... if I am alone with my thoughts, I so very much wonder.